3 Weeks After Rowan Died

Checking in. 

It seems odd that it’s been 3 weeks since Rowan died.  In some ways it feels like it just happened, and in others it seems like he has been gone for ages.

Right now it’s like I live in two separate worlds.  “Normal life” is so incredibly different than what life with Rowan was like. Everyday we go about normal things and it seems like Rowan never existed. “Normal” things don’t remind me of him so much. I never took him grocery shopping. It was so rare that I cooked a lot when he was at home, or managed to clean the house thoroughly, or could spend time with JUST Evelyn playing games. Life before and after Rowan is so different than life with Rowan was that it sometimes seems impossible that Rowan was ever really here.

And then there are moments, where a smell, or a touching gift, or a picture, or something in the house suddenly slams reality in. Rowan was real. We loved him. Rowan died. I can’t hold him. I can’t see him. And grief seizes up, almost like a panic attack, for a short period. Sadness is just so overwhelming I find myself shaking. And it passes as quickly as it started.

It seems like the part of the journey I am working on is making these two worlds mix. I want to go about normal life never doubting that he was here. His death seeming real all the time. Grief coming and going, but not as intensely.

What helps the most? What has made me the happiest?

TALKING about him! While it seems odd to me how uncomfortable everyone seems to be with it, I LOVE talking about Rowan. I am overwhelming proud of him. He is a part of some of the best memories of my life. Who doesn’t like to talk about their kids? Yes, he died. Yes, it’s sad. But I LOVE talking about him.  When others avoid it or seem uncomfortable that I’m talking about him, it’s hard to cope with.  So this week I’m calling a grief counselor that is provided through the hospice service we used.  I get that family and friends aren’t comfortable with me talking about Rowan yet. Everyone needs time. So I’m thankful that this service is available for me.

Evelyn is doing really well.  She cries sometimes. She tells me she wishes Rowan wasn’t dead anymore. I tell her I wish that, too. We talk about Rowan’s handprint. She remembers when we made it at the hospital. She talks about Rowan’s seat in her imaginary car.  She asks me to roll down “Rowan’s window” when she wants the window on the opposite side of the car down. She likes to look at his pictures. She has fewer panic attacks every week and asks if we can go see him less and less. She misses him, like we all do, but she’s coping really well.

Doc and I had a great weekend.  We celebrated his 28th birthday with some Laser Tag and a party with several of our friends.  I won my first round of Laser Tag ever and I’m still really excited/proud of myself. Evelyn told Doc all about the remote control airplane he got for his birthday BEFORE he opened it (yay 2 year olds!). And today we went to see my grandma to celebrate her birthday.  We gave her a set of handprints (one was Rowan’s, the other Evelyn’s) to have.  I never got to take Rowan to see her, but I wanted her to have something that he had touched because she enabled us to take care of him and never worry about money, and because I know she loved him.

I hope everyone is enjoying some cooler weather. We are hanging in there. We keep stepping forward. We’re already talking about ways to honor Rowan’s memory and provide support to other kids and families battling chronic illness or disease.  He made us proud, we intend to make him proud as well.