Making Arrangements

Houy!

Ok, so this is hard to talk about and I assume it will be really hard for most to read.  When Rowan died, he left behind his body, and his body needs to be retired. Most people don’t talk about it, but I felt like I wanted to share how we have managed making final arrangements for Rowan’s with everyone who is reading, largely because we learned some things and some unexpected things happened and I wanted to help other parents. Doc and I are fortunate to have all of our parents living, so we had never had to make final arrangements for someone before.

First off, when Rowan was on hospice, we knew we would need to make arrangements, so our hospice social worker started asking around and trying to find a funeral home. We were really grateful to have someone available to help us know what to do. Floral Haven is a funeral home in Tulsa that will cremate children for free.  Some funeral homes do and some do not.  They waived all fees for us, which was a kindness as cremation and burial fees are expensive. We also talked to a nurse who lost a daughter to SIDS and she used Floral Haven and had glowing recommendations.  So we had a service provider…we had to determine what services we needed.

Burial vs. Cremation? Doc and I knew cremation was what we believed in for us long before we even conceived Rowan.  We decided we would have him cremated.  We intend to scatter his ashes – half in Tulsa and half in St. Louis. The funeral home will provide us with a temporary urn to hold them until we can scatter them. So we knew what we wanted and who would do it. This was helpful because when Rowan died, we didn’t have to pick a funeral service to have someone collect his body.

When Rowan died, we called the hospice service.  They sent their nurse out to do a formal assessment and document his death.  The poor nurse who came out doesn’t normally see pediatric patients and needed to step out to give herself a moment after seeing our little man.  She was very professional and kind about it.  She then called the service that would come get Rowan’s body.

It took what seemed like FOREVER for them to come get him.  When the man walked in, he laid out a think plastic blanket on our bed so we could lay Rowan’s body on it.  Doc picked Rowan’s body up and laid him down on the sheet. The man swaddled Rowan’s body up and then covered his face with his blanket.  I panicked when he covered Rowan’s face. I didn’t expect that. The thought of him in the dark suddenly just panicked me.  I knew Rowan was gone and that what was left was really just his shell, but as a mother, I had that moment of fear and horror.  I just kept reminding myself that it wasn’t him. Rowan was safe and peaceful and free.  The man carried Rowan’s body out of our house.

I realized later that it was silly for me to worry about Rowan’s face being covered.  He freaking LOVED covering his face! We joked about his “wolf cave” that he put himself in all the time.  He loved having fabric touch his cheeks and loved dim lighting.  I think it was just part of dealing with the weirdness of seeing someone who is alive…and then not.  It’s hard to wrap your head around it.

So even though we knew we were going to cremate Rowan’s body, we also knew that we wanted to help kids like him if at all possible. Rowan’s body was taken to a facility to have an autopsy done.  Autopsy helps the medical world learn a tremendous amount about the body.  We believe that Rowan was a gift, and his final gift was to offer his body to the medical world as a means of learning.  We know something was going on with Rowan that we couldn’t fix. An autopsy may give some answers.  An autopsy may provide insight to what CF and CHD together can do. It may help another child. I think Rowan would have wanted that.

His autopsy was performed Sunday night and then Rowan’s body was taken to Floral Haven.

Today we went to Floral Haven for the first time.  The man we met with was so kind. He told us how cute Rowan was and even asked us some questions about his life. He wanted the blog web address so he could see pictures of Rowan and read about the amazing things he did in his life. 

He also gave us a teddy bear that matched the teddy bear the funeral home had given Rowan’s body to hold.  When I saw the bear I started sobbing. It was really a sweet cute soft thing. It even looked a little like Rowan.

What caused the sobbing was this.  I wanted to see Rowan again. Doc and I talked about it on the way to the funeral home…whether or not we wanted to view him.  And this was what I realized. I wanted to see HIM. I wanted to see Rowan and see him smile or see him sleeping peacefully.  That wasn’t what I’d see. I would see Rowan’s shell. Not him, just his body…the cruel sick body he was free of.

Now I had this image of Rowan (real alive Rowan) holding a little teddy bear like he held his wolf.  And that image was so cruel and mean. So sad because it wasn’t real. My son is gone. My son isn’t holding that bear. And that’s sad.

We put the bear in the car as we left the funeral home. When we picked up Evelyn, she found the bear in the car. She loves it.

Now I think of that little bear Rowan’s body is holding like the blue string around his wrist…just a connection to his sister. A small symbol of what he was and is to her. Something they both have.

In the last day, Doc and I have gone through most of Rowan’s things. We celebrated as we went through and disposed of his medical dresser. He had a WHOLE DRESSER of medical supplies. And know what? He doesn’t need it anymore!!!

We took apart his crib and stored it. Returned some baby equipment we’d borrowed and packed things to donate, so someone else can love the things he loved and poured his strength in to.

We have had Evelyn help us. We’ve talked about the things Rowan doesn’t need anymore.  We gave her some of Rowan’s favorite toys to remember him by.

Since Rowan went on hospice, Evelyn ditched her blanket.  She instead, used one of Rowan’s blankets.  She now has Rowan’s Mickey Mouse who is always with Evelyn’s Minnie Mouse doing the “hot dog dance”.  We offered her Rowan’s stuffed wolf, who is in many pictures of him.  She saw us trying to give it to her and started sobbing. “NO! That’s Rowan’s wolf! That’s Rowan’s baby dog!” and couldn’t take it. We have it for when she is ready. She knows how special it was.

Last night, I put Evelyn in bed and she was settling in when she suddenly shot up. “Oh no, Mom! I forgot to say goodnight to Rowan!” She ran out of bed and threw open Rowan’s door. I sat by her bed with tears suddenly streaming down my face, not sure what to do.  I heard her small voice.

“Oh. Rowan’s not here. Rowan’s gone. I cannot say goodnight to him.”

She walked back to bed, snuggled in his blanket, and said, “Mom, Rowan is gone. He’s okay.” I nodded, and shortly after she went to sleep. THANK GOODNESS she figured it out for herself. I mean, honestly, what the hell do you do when a kid springs that on you?! I just told her that I missed Rowan too, and that when I miss him and want to say things to him, I just say them to the stars and hope he hears.  I think Mufasa may have said something similar in the Lion King…..

We have been talking about ways to properly honor Rowan.  We are trying to find a location and determine availability, but once we have a time and place, we will let you know.

Thank you for your posts, comments, texts, calls, etc. Thank you for those of you who have celebrated his life! Thank you for loving on us and lending us your words of encouragement.