What to Say or Do…

Rowan’s light left his body early this morning at around 12:30. I will be posting about his last day of life and how incredibly “Rowan” it was later.

We are still deciding how to best gather and reflect and celebrate our beautiful gift, but details will be posted here and on Facebook and through mass text once we have any.

In the meantime,

I know that when things this big happen in life, people are often at a loss.  They don’t know what to say or what to do.

Let me first assure you, that if you say the wrong thing, we will just laugh about it later(probably when you aren’t around). We know you are trying to help and have good intentions. You aren’t going to make us hate you. Just talk to us. Tell us the truth and try to avoid clichés if at all possible (though we understand sometimes they just come out).

Bear in mind, we have had the last year to grieve.  We have travelled this road for a while and managed to come to a place of peace that we realize many might not be at yet. We know that many of our friends and family are experiencing emotions we felt very early on.  We understand sadness or difficulty understanding how this happened. However, we may not be the best people to discuss that with right now.

As far as what to do, here are some things we thought we could mention:

DO donate money to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, Mighty Oakes Heart Foundation, Mended Little Hearts of Tulsa, or any other organization that supports parents or children like Rowan instead of sending flowers.  (See blog post for link).

DO talk to us about normal things. News, movies, stupid internet videos, etc.

DO invite us out.  We’ve been “in” for a long time. I promise that if we don’t feel like we can handle being “out” we will gratefully decline, but please keep inviting us.

DO talk about Rowan. He was real. We think about him all the time.  We don’t have to avoid him. It is really okay to talk about.

DO smile, laugh, tell jokes, and be yourself around us.

DO give us the grace of forgiveness if we aren’t “ourselves” for a while.  We are rusty at being “normal” but we’ll get back there.

DO keep the texts coming.  Let us know when you are thinking about us. It is nice to know, even if we don’t get a chance to respond.

DO let us know if our story has changed you.  Things like “Because of Rowan, I now…” are wonderful things to share with us.  We love knowing that he reached and changed people. We know how special he is, and love hearing about it. BETTER YET! Write it down! Give us something to read when we miss him to remind us that he lives on in not just our hearts, but in yours as well.

 

And because people are so worried about saying or doing “the wrong thing” here are a few things that we know will not be helpful for us.

DON’T tell us how sorry you are for us.  We aren’t sorry for us. We truly feel joyful that we had a wonderful 7 months with our son. We aren’t sorry that we had our beautiful son in our lives. It’s okay to be sad that he is gone, but not sorry that we had him.  It’s a fine line, but one that for us shows a great deal of respect towards our son.

DON’T talk without listening. Many people have tried to tell us not to be afraid or not to be angry or tried to assure us that their faith is the right one and if we trusted it we’d find peace.  We aren’t afraid. We aren’t angry. We are very much at peace. Many have assumed that we hold the same beliefs they do which is awkward and uncomfortable for us. Make sure that if you are attempting to comfort us, you aren’t truly comforting yourself. And to be honest, the best thing you can do is listen.

DON’T tell us (or others) how we feel or how we must feel. We all experience death differently, so it is much kinder that you ask us and take our lead. Doc is experiencing this differently than I am.  So no one has truly been in our shoes even if they have experienced something similar.

DON’T tell our story as a sad one to others.  Please. We don’t see this as a tragedy. We see this story as a beautiful gift. We see Rowan as beautiful and wonderful and the best thing that has happened to us. That is how we want his story told and remembered.

And then the standard things that you should never tell anyone when a loved one has died:

1.) God has a plan

2.) I know how you feel

3.) You guys need to get out of town for a while OR You guys need to take some time to grieve OR You should go back to work soon OR You should do this OR that.  (However, when we tell you what we plan on doing you may absolutely nod, encourage, pat us on the back, or tell us that you think it’s a wonderful idea…even if you don’t)

We know all of you want to be loving and helpful.  We know what truly amazing support we have.  We just wanted to help all of you know how best to support us.